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Hamil Humor: Crowdfunding Denied

Thwart an Alt-Rock Reunion Tour
I’m the guitarist for an alternative rock band from the late ’90s that rose to national fame with a college radio hit that ended up in a Bacardi commercial. For reasons that are obvious I must remain anonymous for now, but if my funding goal is met I’ll reveal my identity.

My band has been asked to reunite for next year’s summer festival circuit and it’s a terrible idea. Our singer’s voice is shredded, the drummer’s knees are shot, the bass player is a closet Trump supporter and I haven’t picked up my guitar since our last show a decade ago. Also, I’m generally opposed to washed-up bands mounting lackluster reunions for jaded Millennials jonesing for a quick hit of fake nostalgia. Besides, the only reason anyone knows who we are is because of a fucking liquor ad that was the antithesis of everything we represented and the cause of our eventual breakup.

I stand to make tens of thousands of dollars on this reunion tour, but my conscience resists. Therefore if I meet my goal of $3,000 (enough to get my brakes fixed and pay off my daughter’s orthodontist) I will veto this lucrative offer. The entire music world will benefit from our continued absence and perhaps in our place some fresh new band will be given the opportunity of a lifetime.

Anyone donating $50 or higher will receive a counterfeit T-shirt confiscated on our farewell tour. For $200 or more I’ll throw in a Polaroid of our bass player passed out naked in an Arby’s.

100 Pugs!
Hi! I’m Linda and I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be in a room with 100 pugs. My life motto is “Follow your bliss” and my secondary partner, Jake, has been encouraging me to explore my creativity with an open heart, so I’m just putting this out there to the universe. Hopefully some of you share my dream of standing in a room filled with 100 jolly, silly pugs!

Donations will cover the cost of room rental (420-friendly) and refreshments (light snacks and low-calorie hypoallergenic dog biscuits). If you bring your own pug I’m only asking for a $20 donation to defray the cost of basic expenses. If you don’t have a pug you can donate at the $50 level and get a tote bag, some biscuits to hand out and a series of “paparazzi shots” with the pugs. Donors of $150 and up will get all of that, plus exclusive access to the VIP Lounge and naming rights to a newborn pug pup.

Let’s make this happen!

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