Like many Seattleites I was exasperated and demoralized by the news that Seattle has only had three sunny days since October. But I was not surprised. This long, rainy winter has broken my spirit; I have nothing left to offer the world. My home is a darkened graveyard of stale farts and I refuse to embark on any further activity until the Earth reaches a point in its too-slow orbit around the sun at which there’s enough daylight to locate a will to live up here at the 47th Parallel.
I’ve moved beyond raging against the climatological forces at play, and even beyond lamenting the life decisions that led me to making a home in this gloomy region 16 years ago. I’m so sick of the weather now that I've taken to finding rainy-day affirmations on the internet and slagging them brutally for my own sick enjoyment. Here are a few.
“The sun will come out tomorrow”
The song “Tomorrow” from the hit Broadway musical Annie popularized this optimistic sentiment. But is it accurate? Nope. There have been dozens of days in recent memory in which the sun did not, in fact, come out tomorrow. But hey, if you don’t mind being fed pleasant lies by a Depression-era orphan with no meteorological training, go right ahead.
“Without the rain there would be no rainbow”
Rainbows are a marvelous phenomenon caused by the refraction of sunlight in water droplets. But here’s a news flash for the author of this trite adage: Sometimes I don’t care about a damn rainbow. Seeing a multicolored arc in the sky does not in any way make up for being pissed on by God for six months straight. If I were that hard up to see a rainbow I’d turn to YouTube, where even double rainbows come a dime a dozen. Hell, they even have crosswalks made of rainbows on Capitol Hill.
“Some days you have to create your own sunshine”
This is what is known as “blaming the victim.” It’s like when you’d tell your dad, “I’m bored!” and he’d say “Only boring people are bored,” as if that was somehow supposed to magically make you not be trapped in the suburbs with no money or driver’s license and a bratty little sister who keeps hogging the remote.
Setting aside this statement's paternalistic condescension, it’s worthwhile to note that I can’t possibly create “my own sunshine” when my body refuses to metabolize Vitamin D without adequate ultraviolet light directly from Earth’s sun. And besides that, I don’t have the power to decrease my jacked-up winter serotonin levels through sheer force of will. And if I did have the power to “create my own sunshine” I’d focus it into a steady beam of superheated solar energy and turn whoever wrote this insulting aphorism into a smoldering pile of goo on the sidewalk.
“Let a smile be your umbrella”
I assume this means that a good attitude can carry you through any hardship. But I can’t help but look at anatomical specifics of this assertion, and I must point out that THAT’S NOT HOW SMILES WORK. A smile is literally the opposite of an umbrella shape; water would pool in a smile. Dear author of this affirmation: You’re a dumbass.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: In one final act of psychological sabotage from the heavens, I finished this column last night only to wake this morning and find the sun beaming brightly in a blue sky. Yet another indignity heaped upon me by Seattle winter.]